


Do Dragons Like Ketchup?

by EscapingArtist, WordsmithMusings



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures (Harry Potter), Dragons, Hagrid You Didn't, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Murder Hornets, Newt's Case, Nifflers, Not Canon Compliant, Nundus, One Shot, Pandemics, Protecting Muggles, Seriously It is For Our Own Good, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24100741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EscapingArtist/pseuds/EscapingArtist, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsmithMusings/pseuds/WordsmithMusings
Summary: It was her wedding day...her WEDDING DAY. And yet, here she was tasked with saving the world...again.Inspired by a tweet suggesting that the current stay at home orders were put in place by wizards to protect us Muggles from another threat we aren't allowed to know about.**The current global pandemic is not something that we take lightly. However, as we stumble our way through we find many different ways to cope. This fic is one of them**
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 28
Kudos: 92





	Do Dragons Like Ketchup?

The strains of classical music played in the distance as Hermione gazed at herself in the mirror. Ginny’s smile was soft as she settled the veil over her shoulders and nestled the tiara in her curls. Hermione reached up to touch it gently “I can’t believe Aunt Muriel is letting me wear this”

Ginny laughed “I think she likes you better then she likes any of us.”

“Yes, but, I’m not marrying Ron.” Hermione trailed off and Ginny snorted

“No one thought you would end up with my idiot brother. At least, not THAT particular brother.” Hermione blushed, Ginny never would stop teasing her for her short lived crush on Charlie, “I believe Auntie said ‘I like that girls’ spunk.’ or something like that.”

Both women paused as there was a commotion outside in the hallway. “Mum! No, you can’t. She’s getting married for Godric’s sake.”

“Charles Reginald Prewett Weasley you let me through this instant.”

“Mum! They are just kids!”

“They are NOT kids. They are Class XXXXX dangerous animals and she is the head of the Department of Magical Creatures. We’ll be lucky if they don’t lay waste to the entire civilized world.”

“They just want to cuddle Mum. Hagrid, tell her.”

More voices joined the ones in the hallway, Hermione and Ginny stared at each other and then Ginny heaved a sigh and strode over to the door. Flinging it open she pointed her wand and yelled “Somebody better explain why you are disturbing this absolutely exquisite bride on what is supposed to be the happiest day of her life or Merlin help me hexes are going to fly.”

Hermione looked over Ginny’s shoulder and her eyes widened. Molly Weasley had Charlie by the ear and he was grimacing and twisting trying to get out of her grasp. Hagrid was shuffling nervously off to one side while Harry stood conferring with Draco in the middle of the hallway.

Draco glanced up and his eyes met hers. “Hi” she mouthed to him and he smiled and whispered “I love you” back.

George and Fred nearly tackled him “You aren’t supposed to see the bride before the wedding mate!” they laughed gleefully as they wrestled and tried to cover his eyes.

“Yeah, I think that ship has sailed. Now will someone tell me what is going on.” Even covered in tulle and lace Hermione looked fierce and everyone went quiet.

Ron and Draco nudged Harry forward none too gently and he rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, right, so Charlie just got word from the preserve that there was a breach in their containment system. The dragons are now dispersing across the different continents and we are trying to figure out how to round them up without the Muggles seeing.”

“Or getting roasted” George chimed in gleefully and was immediately swatted by his mother’s free hand.

“How many” Hermione asked calmly, turning her eyes to Charlie.

“Uh”

“Charlie, how many.”

“All of them.”

Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose. “Circe give me strength. You are saying there are at least 100 dragons on the loose.”

“Uh, yeah”

“And they could be spotted by Muggles or do harm to Muggle and Wizarding communities.”

“It is definitely maybe a possibility.”

“Ok” Hermione took a deep breath “Ok. We have to figure out how to keep all the Muggles out of harm's way until we get this sorted. Preferably out of sight so that we can worry less about being spotted and more about containment.”

“Granger, I have an idea” Hermione turned to face Draco who was standing with his hands in his pockets.

“No” she said automatically

“Mia you haven’t even heard it yet.”

“I can tell it is something I would say no to” she shot back

Draco stepped forward carefully, like he was approaching one of the dragons already, and stroked her arm. “Look, you know that virus we’ve been tracking in China? Well, what if we made it a worldwide thing. Got governments to quarantine people in their homes.”

“What? Absolutely not. Are you out of your mind?”

“No, look, it might work.”

“We are not unleashing a deadly virus so you can go dragon hunting. This is real. People are hurting and dying!”

“I’m not saying that! I'm just saying we can nudge governments toward some protective measures that will ALSO keep people from seeing a dragon. We’ll use the Muggle tech you are so fond of. Just encourage the idea that staying at home is super effective. Hell, it actually DOES seem to be super effective! So, it'll be a benefit on both ends.”

“This is insane.” Hermione shrugged his hand off her and crossed her arms mutinously.

“Do you have a better idea?” Draco asked and she glared at him.

“I’m sure I could come up with 25 ideas better than that.” She retorted.

“Uh, I’m sure you could” Harry broke in “But can you do it in the next 5 minutes? Because a cluster of horntails is headed for Madrid.”

Ron wrinkled his nose and leaned in to Harry “Would this be a bad time to bring up the nifflers that have started to swarm Italy?”

“YES!” Harry, Draco and Hermione all shouted at the same time.

“Just checking” Ron said, ears turning pink as he slunk back a few steps.

Charlie leaned over to Hagrid “Mate, I’d keep the news about the blast ended skrewets to yourself if I were you.”

“Yeah, but what about them murder hornets?” Hagrid muttered back.

Charlie winced “No, those I think we have to deal with.”

Draco and Hermione were still arguing. “You have been watching too many action and sci-fi flicks” she groaned, running her hands through her hair and upsetting the tiara Ginny had so carefully placed.

“Um, hello, whose idea was it to start movie night again?” he responded with a smirk.

“Guys” Ginny broke in “Can we save the foreplay for later. We have a world to save...again.”

“Ok, right. Yes” Hermione turned and faced Harry and Draco. “What's the best course of action.”

Harry shrugged “Everyone just needs to stay inside.”

“Stay inside’ she said, making Harry wince with her tone “You’re joking.”

Harry nervously glanced at Charlie “No.”

Hermione heaved a sigh “Anything else?”

“Well” Charlie said thoughtfully “They should wear protection when they go out. Masks and such.”

“Why?” Ron and Ginny asked simultaneously.

“Because they are crunchy and taste good with ketchup?” Draco mused.

Hermione swatted him across the shoulder “I am never exposing you to Muggle literature again.”

“Maybe we could put up a sign that says Here There Be Dragons.” Fred piped up.

“Do dragons even like ketchup?” George added curiously.

“Is now really the time to find out?” Hermione’s voice was strained as she gritted her teeth to keep from screaming at all of them. An interdepartmental memo looped lazily through the air and she plucked it when it came by. Scanning the contents she fixed Charlie with a stare that made the older man quail. “Charlie. Why does this say there are nundus on the move?”

“Oh” he groaned “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“Just how many dangerous creatures are on the loose right now?” There was nervous laughter from Charlie and an awkward shuffling from Hagrid. “Charlie” she said warningly.

“AllOfThem” he mumbled quickly.

“WHAT!?”

Hagrid stepped in, arms spread and with his best placating tone “Don’t yell at him. I just thought it might be a bit of fun to check out Newt’s old case is all.”

“Hagrid” Hermione groaned “You didn’t.”

“It was just laying there. You all were busy with the wedding. Luna didn’t see the harm. I shouldn’t have said that…”

“Aw c’mon” Charlie laughed weakly “Where is your intellectual curiosity Granger.”

“Don’t, just don’t” she gasped

“Ah, yeah mate” Harry stepped closer. “I’d stop if I were you. Her hair is starting to spark.”

“Kiss her,” Draco said suddenly.

“WHAT?” Charlie and Hermione said in unison.

He shrugged and smirked “What, usually helps me.”

“Yeah” Charlie responded skeptically “I don’t think it would improve things if I did it”

“I mean there are other things you can try but those are confidential.” Draco said with a grin.

Hermione’s mouth dropped open and this time it was Molly who smacked Draco across the head “Draco Lucius Malfoy!” she gasped “I never.”

Draco stepped back, rubbing his head and trying to look innocent “I was just going to say give her some chocolate and a new book. Whatever were you implying Mrs. Weasley?”

There was a bang as a nearby light fixture exploded. Everyone stepped back nervously, if Hermione got to the point of accidental magic no one wanted to be very close. “Let me get this straight” she said in an eerily calm voice “This is my fucking wedding day. And you are telling me I have to stage manage a global pandemic. Round up at least 15 varieties of highly dangerous magical creatures. All to save the wizarding world...again.”

Harry winced slightly “Yes?”

Hermione looked at the ceiling and they could see her counting slowly to ten. Then she reached out and grabbed Draco’s hand and started dragging him to the garden “Fine” she announced “But we are getting hitched first AND someone better save me some cake or there will be hell to pay.”

“And consummating the marriage?” Draco joked and was rewarded with a death stare from his bride to be.

“Shut it. After putting me through this you’ll be lucky if I let you in the bed at all during the honeymoon. Hope you picked a place with a comfy couch.”

“She doesn’t mean that” he said in a loud whisper to Fred and George who were trailing along behind like this was Christmas and Halloween and April Fools Day all rolled into one glorious holiday.

“I heard that” Hermione snapped back “And I do mean it. Now, if this wedding doesn’t get under way in 2.5 minutes I am going to start throwing hexes.”

“Auntie Muriel was right” Ginny giggled to Harry “She does have spunk.”


End file.
